gosh. well. um. i feel like i have to apologize to my own blog even if it sounds silly. its just been way too long.

january was really hectic for me. which is odd because looking back through my photos, i didnt have too many ''''big''''' events per say. well there was the con, of course, one of the most fun times of year, and this year i had some time to myself which meant actually talking with new people which was fun. and there was school. but like, other than that, technically nothing huge. nothing life shattering.

so why does it feel like im struggling to catch up...? not sure. its been feeling sluggish as of late, the kind where when i have no time i have ideas for everything, and then once a moment pops up, i have no ideas or motivation. a cruel limbo. it always seems to hit at the most unexpected times... i think thats why im making a lot of changes to the site tonight, might as well with this breif boost.

it gets kind of bad actually, sometimes. not the actual procrastinating of doing things, but the guilt of not doing it. i think i got some of that mentality of my parents, that i should always be doing something. anything. not just sitting around. its a blessing and a curse

im not really sure where i was going with this entry? i think just something to get down so i dont feel bad whenever i open the page, that i hadnt updated in months despite a love of the craft for coding still. alas.

well not really a week away but funny reference haha. life has simultaneously gotten more and less busy. school is finally over, but work now has been having me going to almost overtime. its really exhausting but i need the money.

money has been kind of an issue for me as of late. not the lack of it, but rather my inability to spend anything. ive found that im actually kind of a cheap person... well my thought process is that for now while im not paying for bills or loans much i should save up while i can right? unfortunately my brain now thinks that spending like, an extra dollar on a meal for a side is a waste. or getting something small for myself is bad. and if i do, i should track it and ensure i dont make purchases like that. its a bad mindset but at least awareness is the first step to stopping it.

oh yeah, christmas. tis the season and all! i temporarily got over my problem in order to buy things for friends and family! im excited for the season, ieven if i havent done much to get into the mood, its fun! i kind of already know what im getting before i get it, all except for whatever headphones i get this year. but that means i get to look forward to things i want which is nice!

no ideas on how to end this one lol but yay its been going good for me

writing this during the last lecture for one of my classes...its been an interesting semester. shockingly, class wise ive had a lot of fun. the content didnt kill me, it wasnt a cake walk but it clicks with me. my overall status is still pretty static but in little ways my life has changed. i feel this kinda serenity all semester. its nice.

i wonder whats next for me? i dont have a certain goal in mind. thats kinda scary, i guess. i finally feel comfortable, interally, and its taken me a long time but im proud of myself! i have more confidence and i have hobbies, and overall... just feel hope. its the best ive felt in a while. but now the external expectations are starting to cave in.

but well, i havent had too much time to think about it. exams and assignments await me at every corner and the past couple days have been the first time in a while ive had an extended period of free time.

HELLO!!!! sometimes. ive notcied this when i get realllllly tired and sleepy, well more like after, i get this sorta feeling. its very odd. and only comes out once every couple of months. usuall after a busy day where i want to sleep but for some reason or another im awake after dozing off a bit, and in this state i feel like. this love. for everything and everyone in the world ever. mostly this goes to my friends but tonight im sharing it with whoever is viewing my site ^_^ ive never been drunk before but this is what id imagine the feeling is most similar to, this kinda dizzyness and out-pf-it except mine is very nice because instead of anything wrong i just feel love and admiration for everyone ever.

do you ever think of that? of how hard people put into their everyday to survive? how people have those they care about, love in every corner of the earth. of course there are bad people out there. but that will never take away the passion people will carry with them, the creativity, the hope, the feeling, the perserverence of the human spirit. we just keep on coming back, after physical and mental pain, humans come back from it. and they love anyways. i think its wonderful. we are like the most beautiful weed in the world (dandelions are hard to beat but i think we got them beat)

tonights venture in telling people i love them (as i do in this state. bc its so much i need to share. and really i think everyone desevres to be complimented and told how much theyre appreicated. because i do it so much in my head, and theres really nothhing stopping me from saying it out loud?) was commenting on different neocities accounts guestsbooks. neocities has me obsessed as of recently. like the amount of content made just because people want to share with the world. how they want a space for them. i love reading about peoples hobbies and their everyday adventures, the pets and family and friends they make. isnt that so great? theres thousands of you out there on this silly webbed site. living your own lives. and it may not be perfect, or maybe it is, but youre living. and reading my words. howd that end up happening?

only thing from stopping me from commenting on every person in existance's page is the um. wrist starting to hurt. alas. anyways...... i love the whole earth. yahoo. goodnight.

well, its time.

its finally the day my brother moves out. im both happy and sad, the bittersweet feeling is kind of dull. my brother doesnt like making a big deal of things, so neither have i. in a lot of ways, i follow in his footsteps, ive been imitating him since before i could even remember.

if youd look on the surface, the only thing we have in common is my copying of his hobbies in games and anime. which, we dont even talk about anymore really. i remember last year when i got a couple of copies of shiori expirience on my trip to new york, brought it home, and he asked if they were gifts for him since he liked the series too. i didnt even know he read it! and its one of my favorite manga of all time! for a second i felt really disconnected to him, but on reterospect, i think the fact we dont directly talk about things like that and still get along is good.

see, when i was younger, i thought he hated me. like bad. because i was little and clung on to him, talking a mile a minute when he barely said much. but as i grew up i learned how he cares about me in other ways. how he was always the person in the house to support me going out and be independent. whenever im down he doesnt try to give advice or things thatll make me feel worse, he jokes in that odd way that never fails to make me laugh.

i started writing this entry as we were about to leave, and now finish it two hours later, with him gone. well not really. its less than 30 minutes away. and i think thats why im so calm. because even if hes not in the same house, were still with each other.

of course, all the best inspirations come at 2am.

ive made a lot of progress to the site the past couple of days! the gallery, which is one of the main links on my navi since the very conception. replacing all the discord image links with catbox and familliarizing myself with the website, and adding a ton of secret links. and of course, just now, the drawn header and button! im super proud of it and have been working for a while on the header. actually, so much, that i didnt want to work on other things....

for the first time, i actually have started looking through the activity tab on neocities! its so fun to see what other people put out there. in every one, i see a different part of a person i will never know. reading about books i read long ago but from someone else's perspective, about a game on my backlog forever, people of all sorts of agees all sorts of backgrounds. i love it.

at the same time, im a bit afraid to reach out! its silly, i want to tell everyone in their guestbooks how cool they are and follow, but im scared people will see me as too forward or odd... and its embarassing to follow a super cool site while mine isnt nearly as done as i want it to be, i guess. maybe thats why ive worked so hard the past couple of days? i hope not. i want this site for me first of all. maybe i need to make a site manifesto or something.

untill i work up the courage to reach out, ill stay here, working and lurking.....

oops, been a while hasnt it? i actually had a blog post wip about a month ago, but i think since i was writing it on my notes app and not on the actual code, i wasnt able to get it to a quality i wanted. i dont know, just something about just typing right on the code makes the words come out more naturally.

admittedly, september was a rough month for me. id rather not go into specifics but a lot of my personal life felt like it was being stripped off of me. situations where i felt powerless and just kind of lost overall. i was able to move past it, but a lot of the month just sapped the energy right out of me. and because of that, i stopped working on my website as much, and by stopping it led to me being hesitant to start it up again...! how frustrating. i tend to do that, start projects and never get them to where i want before something else takes over, but creating my neocities is definetly one of the funnest things ive started up.

october has been an odd kind of month so far? both new things starting and yet it feels like little progress has been made. its been this odd cycle of either im busy with work, or busy with school. mostly the former, to be honest. i just finished my midterms and this semester has been suprisingly lax. its my job thats really getting to me and i feel that weird ache in my tsomach every time i go. i dont really like it there anymore, but id feel bad theyre going into holiday season without one of their best for host and carryout. plus the money is nice. maybe. but i miss time to myself.

new things that have happened recently include...... getting and then said spacehey falling off. the new project voltage mikus. letting down / ghosting someone from my astronomy class. the thing that happened with [redacted friend name]. um. thats kind of about it for big things? halloween is coming up but i have no plans oops.

lets keep it up!!!!

its the end of summer break! i feel like so much time and yet none at all has really passed. this past week in particular has really been last minute finishes to things before i have to go back to classes.

ive gone out a lot more, little day trips here and there! just today we went to an art museum. after visiting the doctor and getting the a-okay, i can do some driving now too, but really thats going to take a long long time. it still leaves me to nervous and anxious i can barely go down a single road. ive been told by every person that itll pass, but im still trying to collect myself.

one of the most exciting things that happened as of recently is me getting a camera, apparently it was just sitting in storage, and its not even that old. i wan t to slpice up my page and my figure collection with pictures i take. i had my photography class a few semesters ago but it was short lived and i wouldve needed to use the photo lab to develop anything. digital should be more accessable.

as for future plans..... well its my new university year in about two days. i feel some anticipation. and hope i can handle the workload between work school and friends. i recently got a raise which is nice, but i want to prioritze my school (which goes into my actual career) and my friends more. hopefully. and spend more time on things i actually want to do. my life feels way more oragnized than it was last year. well actually, i just feel a lot more put together in general. thats a good step, i think. one of many.

WOW. i really dont even know where to start. i already wrote in my journal about otakon but days later still thinking about it gives me so much happiness.

dressing up as nanami was incredible. i love her character, and so many people told me i was the first they ever saw! i was espically happy to those who agreed she is best girl. so true. the costume making was rushed this year though, hopefully next time i can go with more of a plan. it turned out great in the end though!

i got sooo much merch im happy to use. i already started playing project diva f, i thought it was jp only but i was wrong oops. its still fun and nostalgic, i like megamix but sometimes i prefer that old v3 era vocaloid sound. i got a few posters and prints but dad and my brother say i should hang them with frames which means i have to wait longer. the stickers are great though! im a bit nervous to put them in my journal or anywhere else just yet though. probably my laptop. i also unfortunately didnt find a tamagotchi like i was hoping, so mercari it is. i did find some cute figures though! i want to get more into them, i signed up to myfigurecollection to keep up/

the games were so much fun too..... it was my first time play the love live arcade cabinet! once for muse once for aqours. i tried out a few new rhytm games, and it turns out they actually have them relatively cheap at an arcade 10 mins away from my uni. now if only i could get there easier.... it will happen though!!

some new goals for me is to improve more on scope of my art. i didnt get enough time in july to go all out on artfight as i liked because of everything, but with the artist alley apps coming in soon it may be useful to start coming up with sticker/charm ideas. or something. i probably cant get THAT much in only a couple of months but it would be nice to prove i can do something. also find that tama! august will go by quick i think.

oh boy. i honestly didnt even notice it had been almost a month since my last post until writing down the date right now. well my waiting is over, i went to the concert last week! i planned to actually write my blog then, but timed seemed to slip by... as i instead worked on the site more!

im actually proud of how much ive done for it in the past few days. colors now actually fit, a nice background. i think sketching out the ideas in my sketchbook helped me clear my head on my overall vision for what i want to show and how. blog are now on a new page, all on their own! it looks way clearer and users wont have to click on everything. im figuring out a lot of things as i go, but as i discover more resources and find more inspo, i find it coming better to me. its like learning something new all over again which is.... pretty exciting to be honest! i find myself actually wanting to work on it more. it makes me happy to be passionate about it.

not just my website, but ive started up my journal again. i had fun before, but i think i made it too much like a chore. i want to go at my own pace more now. unfortunately with so many things, my artfight has slowed down a bit, but ive already hit 8 attacks. maybe a couple of quick ones before the end of the month! i also worked on toyhouse coding, which helped when transitioning to html i think.

learning is an uphill battle, but im fully ready to take charge!

i feel like right now im doing a lot of waiting. for a good reason, right now. this month has been quiet slow, a simple day to day plan, where i do things but things dont happen to mine. next month though, i actually already have plans to look forward to.

i know plans shouldnt be needed to enjoy something, but at the same time, it makes for something to look forward to. i get to know that something is awaiting me and so i can look on knowing a relief will come. even if its something small, that little thing, knowing im going to a certain store on a certain day, for example, will give me strength to get to that day. its simple things like that that keep my life organized i think

well, i have a few things coming up this month to look forward to. amusement park with cousins, a concert, and a convention! its three whole things spread out at least once every week. itll be nice to actually go out. not that i dont now, but not having a license yet is starting to be a bit of a downer. ive been keeping myself busy at home though. im finally nearly all prepped up for artfight this month, which is something i can do any day at home this month too.

with so much to do and so much to see, it looks like ill be busy this month! hopefully still time to keep up with doing what i love :>

time can move slowly and all at once. im lucky, i think, to be where i am now. im young, and i know this.

i dont think theres something wrong with becoming older, i dont fear it. but i see the pains of those older than me, and i dont understand it, not yet. and seeing this pain and not being able to help in any way, or really know any comforts or solutions- its a bit scary. i wish i could know, but i dont think im ready to quite yet.

maybe i just need life expirience. maybe itll come and hit me when i least expect it. or maybe ill just wake up one day and know. ill see myself and know ive grown. its not that day yet. i still see the mirror, my round cheeks, the wrinkles on the shirt i wear, the uncombed hair, my face that doesnt know what it wants to look like yet. today i sat next to both my father and my mother, at different times, and simply held on to them as they cried. they said words and i understood the basic meanings, but i didnt get the pain. i tried to think of anything, but i couldnt. all i could do is hold them and tell them i love them.

growing older doesnt solve all your problems, i suppose. sure, ill be more independent, hopefully. i can drive where i want, i can make more choices. but it doesnt stop the flow of time either. people will move on. people will pass. i feel like a naive child writing this, as if i know the complexeties of growing up. i cant even understand it through a screen, how i can i even think im near the level of seeing it in someone's life?

and, i say 'older.' really, im only thinking about my parents age. 40s. 50s. this isnt to mention even more than that. i saw the abuelitos today too. we had to help them around, as we often do these days, but it was still nice. theyre always so lively. i love them very much. i dont think anyone on earth can tell stories the way dad and abuelito do, they have this talent. and im not sure anyone has a heart quite like mo. so loving and willing. theyre older, a lot older, but they fight on, smile, laugh. i want to be like them one day.

im still young, which means i have advantages right now. i can move, physically. i can still learn. i can spend my time as i want without as much responsibility. i want to grow up, to understand the others around me, but i like this feeling of youngness. i guess i just shouldnt miss it too much though. its about positivity, right? or more, living in the present, no matter my age. as i was talking with mom today about the movie we watched, i mentioned i didnt feel like i was old enough for the movie. because i can still look back at my younger self and not see many changes. but maybe i spoke too soon. i can see changes between myself at 20 and myself at 13. many of them. but i also feel the changes between 20 and 27 will be even more, something thats beyond me. like how im sure 13 year old me felt. and how she felt with 6 year old me.

i want to grow up to be someone i can be happy for. live for now but look forward with love in the heart!!!